In my life, there have been two sides, two cultures. Growing up in America, diversity is everywhere and in everything. In my youth, I was immersed in my parent’s culture, as they had grown up in Mexico. I would go ride horses, go to rodeos, and speak an entirely different language. I thought that that was my world since that’s all I had ever known, and I loved it. Although I did see different people, it didn’t really occur to me that they lived completely different lives and had different struggles. It wasn’t until I got to school did I only realize how different everything was. Many of these kids were like me, but they weren’t. Most, if not all, spoke perfect English, and many didn’t know another language. These people were completely different from me and I didn’t know how to reconcile that. Eventually, I learned that I had to meld myself to the dominant culture to survive, which meant losing the other.
I slowly began to detach myself from my parents’ culture and quite literally everything I had known, and had to trek on a new shaky world. I tripped and stumbled a lot, it was definitely a struggle to find my way. Of course I had my older sister to help with the journey, but we both experienced the world in different ways and thus couldn’t entirely compare stories.
I spoke less Spanish, no longer rode horses, and went from being outdoors every chance I had to staying inside and watching tv. I was a completely different person. The awful part was that I started to view my parents in a different light. It meant that all the things they did that were “different” compared to other parents was embarrassing because I had tried so hard to be like everyone else and they were ruining it! This meant that I detached myself from them as well, which was something that happens to many others as you assimilate to a new culture.
Something I lost almost completely was music. I loved and still love music. Many genres have their own style and energy that I enjoy. I listened to Spanish music from cumbias to zapateados, my range was vast. Out in the world I lost that. There was R&B, Pop, Reggae, and so many other genres to experience. When I didn’t know a popular song people judged me for it and wondered a lot about me and where I grew up. These judgments weren’t always the best. In order to adapt, it meant no longer listening to Spanish music and immersing myself into the world of English music. Even now though, people still act surprised when I don’t know a song, or play an oldie on repeat, because it may have been my first time listening to it or experiencing it. They don’t understand what it feels like to lose that part of themselves, or to learn something that is completely new, like a boomer trying to figure out facetime.
Eventually, coming to Cal Lutheran, I grew up. I saw the world differently, and I learned that there were more cultures than just mine and the dominant culture in America. I learned that I wasn’t alone and many others had the same experiences and struggles. I didn’t need to hide who I was anymore, and taught myself to be proud. Not just of myself, but of my parents and my culture. I truly had lost something so vibrant and joyous in my life to survive. As time has gone on, I have slowly begun to reincorporate traditions and most importantly my parents into my life. It has been hard and a process, but it is worth it. To regain a piece of you that was once lost feels ethereal. To know that one day, you can regain what you once lost.
With this, I leave you with a message. Do not lose who and what you are. Hold onto it and treasure it because the world won’t. The people by your side, friends, and family will. Speak the language, treasure the memories, and remember who you are.
Written by: Jerry Tovar